Women Dont Owe You Pretty

Highlights

• “You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.” – Erin McKean
• But most of the time the attention that my “prettiness” garnered meant that men viewed me as an object, and men don’t respect objects. After all, objects are something we view to be used without reciprocity – it’s a one-sided relationship. It’s why they didn’t handle my rejection well and called me names like “frigid”, because objects aren’t supposed to be empowered. They’re objects. Acknowledging this was both uncomfortable and liberating – exactly what growth is supposed to feel like.
• Our collective idea of what makes someone pretty in society is based on their proximity to whiteness, thinness, being non-disabled and being cisgender.
• the reason you want to do this to yourself may not be consciously motivated by wanting to attract men, but our collective idea as a society of what is “pretty” and “desirable” is informed entirely by racism, sexism, fatphobia, disablism, transphobia and male desire. So even though you’re doing it “because you want to”, the reason you think big boobs and skinniness is beautiful is because it’s what men want, and we consume their ideas of beauty through the media, films and television.
• “A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there” – Unknown
• Growth can feel isolating. Everything you thought you knew about yourself and the world shifts right before your eyes. You’ll start to notice unhealthy and toxic qualities in your friends, as well as yourself. You’ll stop enjoying your once-favourite movies when you realize they portray women as nothing more than a feast for male eyes and desires. The lyrics to your favourite Rolling Stones song start to ring a little problematic, and you’ll be disgusted to discover that sexism, racism, ableism and transphobia exist in almost every environment, including the depths of your own subconscious mind.
• Don’t be a passenger in your own life.
• anyone who tells you you’re “too” anything is using the word because they are threatened by your capacity to grow, evolve and express your emotions.
• You do not have to shrink yourself down to make others feel better about themselves.
• This journey is going to be long and hard.
• Feminism is going to ruin your life, but in the best way.
• Your words have the power to change the fucking world.
• Shaming other women for caring about their appearance is just another form of internalized misogyny, and an inability to see how race, class, sexuality and desirability all affect the way you’re perceived in the world.
• Performing femininity and desirability isn’t always a choice for marginalized women, it’s often an act of survival.
• Sure, it’s not viewed as desirable by the standards of the male gaze – most people still think it’s repulsive and you will be shamed for it regardless of your race. But being able to grow out your body hair without facing additional discrimination is a privilege afforded only to thin, cisgender, white women like me.
• A lot of women of colour and trans women don’t have the privilege of “forgetting” to shave or just letting it grow out, because they’re constantly expected to show up in ways that people like me aren’t to “prove” and perform femininity, in order to be met with the same respect I’m afforded as a woman, even when I don’t do these things.
• The ability to defiantly resist is only afforded to those who are already privileged enough not to be ostracized if they do so.
• Trans women don’t owe it to anyone to perform their gender in a way that is hyper-feminine – but we must acknowledge that we live in a society that expects them to nonetheless, just as we expect women of colour to.
• Unfortunately, straight white men dominate our media, and the media is our cultural storyteller.
• One of the most radical acts under capitalism is to simply love yourself. Especially if the love you have cultivated for yourself is enough to fill you, without the need for romantic love to feel validated.
• A new person is born in the moment you say to yourself, for the first time, “I deserve better”.
• Life is too short not to love the shit out of yourself
• You are the love of your own life, so act accordingly and take your damn self out.
• Heteronormativity has truly fucked up so many of us, to the point where we would rather be in a toxic relationship than have no relationship at all.
• Heteronormativity wants women to settle.
• “Single” doesn’t mean “waiting for someone”.
• If you could stop worrying about romantic love altogether, what would you be able to achieve with this new, enormous resource of energy?
• Promise yourself to stop buying into people’s potential. You’re not a start-up investor.
• Please know that no matter what you’ve been told to believe about yourself, the toxic kind of love you’ve learned to “accept”, or whatever it is that society has brainwashed you into believing, you are no one’s fucking doormat. You are not a source of energy for others to take. This is your table, you set the standards and you choose who gets a seat. Start turning away people who have the audacity to show up in your life with crumbs, because crumbs can’t feed you.
• Learning how to love yourself, to avoid relying on other people’s validation to make you feel whole, is the key to not settling. You’ve got to learn to make the cake yourself.
• Respect women who set firm boundaries, don’t see it as a threat. She’s worked really fucking hard to get to a point in her life where she has decided to choose her happiness over people-pleasing.
• Your character is not to be judged by the mistakes you make – but your ability to hold yourself accountable, interrogate your actions and come back with the correct behaviour.
• The way people treat you is absolutely no reflection of you, your worth or your value.
• It can be hard to fully accept that what people are saying to you is not a reflection of you, but of them.
• When people say cruel things, consider what is said, but also who is saying it, and where that criticism might originate, what it might be rooted in.
• If someone tells you that you’re “too much” – it’s because they don’t feel enough.
• If someone tells you that you’re “too sensitive”, it’s because deep down they envy your ability to be vulnerable, your capacity to feel and the freedom you give yourself to express your feelings.
• Choosing yourself will always disappoint some people. The sooner we accept this and make peace with it, the better.
• People-pleasers change who they are constantly, and each time they do this it’s like they silence an authentic part of themselves to be something else, for someone else.
• If you do not know yourself or your boundaries, you’ll be constantly looking for other people to tell you who you are.
• You have to be responsible for the way you treat others, despite what has happened to you.
• When it’s safe to, being your authentic self forces people to reveal whether they deserve a place in your life or not.
• Your happiness – the way you view yourself – and the content you consume is in your control. Make changes. Now.
• the foundation of our happiness and how we think about ourselves relies on the comments we receive from strangers on the internet, it is not real, lasting and fulfilling happiness.
• We all have a void that we’re trying to fill, and social media assists in widening that void. Social media and the internet create a dependency.
• Emotional labour is still labour.
• There is a compulsion to record, capture and showcase our moments of joy with the world on social media. But you deserve to keep some things for yourself.
• I am not responsible for the idea that you have created of me in your mind
• You don’t have time in this life to be wasting precious energy on people who don’t even realize what a privilege it is to know you.
• To practise self-love and protect your energy, you need to start implementing boundaries with the people you surround yourself with. Remember: those who do not respect them do not deserve to know you.
• If protecting your energy and refusing to entertain things that don’t nourish your soul makes you a “bitch” – then go ahead, be a bitch.
• “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou
• Wanda says in BoJackHorseman, “when you look at someone through rose-tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”.
• “I no longer date when I’m vibrating at a low frequency. It’s like placing myself on a clearance rack.” – Necole Kane
• Crumbs are only tempting when you’re hungry, so you must ensure that you’re always full on your own.
• “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck”– Dalai Lama
• The shame that women have surrounding sex is the same shame that seeps into our desire to be with other genders, because we are taught that our bodies exist and belong to the male gaze – so having feelings for other women is bound to confuse us.
• “The influence of heteronormativity and the male gaze was so strong that I, someone who has fallen intensely in love with multiple women, felt like an imposter calling myself bisexual.” – Ramona Marquez
• The sexualization of women’s bodies is so normalized, it made me question whether loving a woman outside of her objectification was valid enough. That if I didn’t objectify women and talk about them the way cis men did, that I couldn’t possibly be queer. How hetrifying.
• Know that you should never have to settle for anything less than reciprocal, enthusiastic and consensual sex.
• A lot of people are reluctant to ask for consent because they feel like asking “kills the mood”. But you know what really kills the mood? Sexually assaulting someone.
• What’s hotter than a person who knows what they want and can confidently communicate these desires to their partner? Asking for consent is not only the law, it’s very sexy.
• Here are a few ways to ask for consent: -   “Do you like that?” -   “Can I take these off?” -   “Is this okay?” -   “Do you mind if we switch positions?” -   “Can I go down on you?” -   “How do you like it?” -   “Are you sure you feel ready for this, or would you prefer if we carried on kissing?” -   “Please know that you can say ‘no’ at any time.”
• Consent is mandatory, it is the law and it’s not some form of flirting or foreplay. However, it can seamlessly fit into intercourse. Why not ask to remove their underwear while you’re already kissing their neck, or whisper it in their ear? Or ask if they’d like to fuck you between kissing? It doesn’t have to be the awkward and robotic script that it’s been made out to be (unless that’s your thing – we don’t kink-shame in this family).
• Rape culture is maintained because we fear the consequences of simply saying “no” in the first place.
• If there’s no direct exchange of consent, it’s rape: -   If you ask for consent and they hesitate or take a little longer to answer, reassure them by saying something like, “It’s okay if you don’t, would you prefer we just did x instead?” -   If they don’t answer with a clear and enthusiastic “yes”, it’s a “no”. -   “I’m tired” doesn’t mean “convince me”. -   “No” doesn’t mean “keep asking until I say ‘yes’.” -   “No” is the most definable boundary in the world. There are no “blurred lines” when it comes to consent.
• If it’s not a “fuck yes”, it’s a “no”.
• THE RULES OF SEX -   Ask before doing something or progressing. -   Make sure if you want to have intercourse that your partner wants to have it with you too. -   If someone is asleep, unconscious, drunk or high they cannot consent to sex. -   Check in with someone every time you start a new sexual activity, whether that’s going from oral sex to penetrative sex, or even switching up positions. -   Consenting to sex in the past or being in a relationship with someone does not automatically mean consent for the future. E.g. if Sam says he wants to have sex with Sally, but when it gets to it after 30 mins of foreplay Sam says he’s too tired, Sally is not then entitled to have sex with Sam because he previously agreed. Sam can change his mind. He does not owe Sally sex.
• But if you’re drinking, remember that drunk consent is not consent, so sex with drunk consent is technically rape.
• They refuse to wear a condom. Dump them on site.
• If someone removes a condom during sex without your consent, this is sexual assault.
• Here are some signs that you have unhealthy boundaries: -   You touch other people without asking. -   You go against your own personal beliefs and values to please other people. E.g. taking drugs on a night out because everyone else is doing it, even though you don’t usually do them. -   You fall in love with someone new very quickly. It’s a sign that you’re seeking validation and need something to make you feel whole. You can’t love someone you know nothing about. -   You offload your life story and your traumas to someone when you first meet them. -   You find it hard to say “no”. -   You give as much as you can for the sake of giving without asking for reciprocity, because you struggle to communicate your desires. -   You subconsciously seek partners who need fixing and healing. -   You constantly excuse someone’s mistreatment of you – “they’re only like this when they’re drunk.” -   You protect people who are doing damage to you.
• I hope you love yourself enough to walk away.
• It’s not something anyone can avoid by taking protective measures, because sexual assault is never your fault.
• The insecurity of body hair on women, for example, was a seed planted by male advertisers in 1915, because they realized they could make money selling razors to women. Before then women didn’t shave, it simply wasn’t something we felt insecure about. But they planted the seed of insecurity and then filled a gap in the market. Voila! We’ve been trained and socialized to be disgusted by our own bodies for male consumption and capitalist profit.
• I have literally been holding the hand of a girl at a bar and had a man come over trying to chat her up, and when I told him we were on a date he went, “Don’t worry, that’s hot! I’m into that!”
• How much of my femininity is who i truly am, and how much of it is a product of patriarchal brainwashing to exist for male consumption?
• A woman who has no shame of her sexuality, who knows her own power and is capable of harnessing her objectification for her own financial gain or self-empowerment is a threat to capitalism and the status quo. She’s also an absolute fucking icon.
• Shame does not want you to have autonomy over your own body, because society relies on having control over your body as its product – and products aren’t supposed to feel “empowered”, they’re products.
• The phrase “Beauty is Pain” stuck with me – and it hurt me.
• “A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.” – Gloria Steinem
• We often idolize people who highlight something we feel we are lacking within ourselves.
• Putting someone on a pedestal dehumanizes them, because we expect the impossible of this person and don’t give them a chance to be a multifaceted flawed human.
• When you put someone on a pedestal, you place yourself below them and project onto them the parts of yourself that you feel you lack. You might even betray your own beliefs and boundaries just to please them.
• If you can feel that you’re putting someone above yourself, it’s an indication that you need to do some digging and figure out what it is you feel you’re lacking.
• No one’s imaginary approval is ever worth compromising your own boundaries and beliefs for.
• Think about what makes you come alive and what ignites a fire inside of you – and do more of that. Follow that feeling. When you’re used to defining your success against another person’s, you can lose sight of what it is you actually want to achieve in life.
• Realize that people don’t owe you shit.
• The world owes you nothing, and equally you owe it nothing.
• Because life is too short to remain in an unfulfilling relationship for the sake of staying in your comfort zone.
• Boundaries should never be compromised, they are your own personal law. Anyone who crosses them after you have explicitly addressed them has broken your law and needs to be banished from the access of knowing you.
• Until 1991 you could legally rape your wife in the UK.
• To assume makes an ass of you and me. Don’t assume someone’s ethnicity. Don’t assume someone’s ability. Don’t assume someone’s gender. Don’t assume someone’s sexuality. Don’t assume someone’s pronouns. Don’t assume someone’s background. Don’t assume shit. Full stop.
• If people stopped assuming that I was straight and instead had an open mind, it might mean that I wouldn’t have to constantly come out to people – every single day.
• Colours don’t have a gender. We placed gender onto them, because gender was socially constructed, it is an idea.
• “I’m so sorry I have caused you to feel this way, you didn’t deserve to feel like that.” “Your feelings are entirely valid.”
• “Thank you for sharing this with me, it means a lot that you felt comfortable to talk to me about this.”
• If someone feels they can’t speak up in a relationship, it’s abusive.
• Their karma is being who they are.
• It’s possible to be both oppressed and privileged at the same time.
• A white person living in poverty still has white privilege, because being Black and poor is harder.
• (there are more CEOs named John than there are female CEOs altogether)
• The point of being cognizant of our privileges is not to engender feelings of guilt – guilt is pointless and does nothing for feminism or activating social change.
• Being aware of your privilege allows you to spend it to benefit other people. As you move through the world, think of the opportunities you could pass on or how you could give up space for people who don’t have the same access to important spaces that you do. Real change happens when we give up power, without telling anyone we did it.
• Are you healed or just distracted?
• years of self-neglect is best healed through deep introspection. It involves discomfort. It involves being willing to admit that everything you thought you knew about the world, people and yourself may be just what you told yourself, so that you could cope and stay in a comfortable, familiar state of suffering. These are called “limiting narratives”, they are the stories we tell ourselves over and over again to justify why things might not be working out for us in life.
• Don’t be afraid. By questioning everything, you can only become a more refined version of your already incredible self.
• Imagine all of the past versions of yourself, standing right in front of you. They are all smiling, looking back at you. They are so proud of you.